February 2012
The Lair clarifies it’s position
If you were to tune in to NBC you would see a scratchy video feed, a bit muddled, but you would hear a pair of voices in the background:
“Is it ready yet?”
“Almost. You know Craig, NBC won’t be happy you’re taking over the signal.”
“Everyone must be properly aware of this situation. It’s important for Baseball!”
“Haven’t you been controversial enough with this topic?”
“The truth is only controversial if you disagree with it!”
The screen now changes to show a man wearing a bathrobe, smoking a bubble pipe. The background isn’t readily distinguishable.
“You’re live Craig!”
“Greetings viewers. I have interrupted this signal because the bickering has become intolerably long. It seems I have not written enough over the past week explaining to you why standard procedures must be followed in our country. They are our only guarantee that Authority can’t abuse its power. Simply put, we have rules in place that are followed to determine properly beyond any reasonable doubt the occurrence of an event. We here at HBT are serious in our craft and do not easily partake in rumor or innuendo.”
The figure adjusts his collar one more time before finishing his speech:
“So, for the last time: Chipper Jones is not in the Worst Shape of His Life! That photo was taken when the wind was blowing! He’d only be fat from one side if that were true!”
I am of course, referring to when Craig was tormented mercilessly over a Chipper Jones in ST photo.
The Lair Gets a Signal!
Winter was ending. Pitchers and Catchers were reporting to their respective Spring Training Camps. Craig sat down in his kitchen enjoying a nice morning Taco while using his tablet to look through the various news items of the day (Baseball related of course, is there any OTHER kind of news?). Still the day was a bit cloudy and gray, a reminder of the season. Suddenly, a small red light on his kitchen counter flashed on and off with a corresponding buzzing sound. Craig creased his forehead in mild surprise and put down his taco and his tablet.
Walking to the counter he pressed the red button, and a set of high powered binoculars lowered from the ceiling and stopped in front his kitchen window. He looked in and the Columbus skyline greeted him (the binoculars were for show, in reality they received the picture transmitted by a remote camera but it was much cooler this way!). He was interested in one landmark in particular: LeVeque Tower, once the tallest and most elegant building in Columbus (stupid Rhodes Tower!) it was still a cultural beacon of the fine city.
He increased his magnification to examine a specific spot and there, on the wall he spotted… the SIGNAL
The SIGNAL
He needed to go… NOW! He walked to his study, and pressed two keys on his piano and a wall panel moved aside to reveal an alcove. He stepped in and slid down the pole until he emerged in his Lair already in proper lair attire (Bathrobe and bubble pipe). Already the 1995 Braves Championship Team picture gave way to his 71″ LED Screen. Tiffany graced his screen as it activated.
“Craig! I got the “signal”, but wouldn’t it have been easier if you had just sent me a text message?”
“Oh Tiffany, where’s the fun in that? Is everything ready?”
“Yes indeed,” she smiled. “I’m curious as to how you appropriated that… rover? tank?”
“It’s a Tumbler my dear Tiffany,” said Craig while puffing a few bubbles. “Chris Nolan said I could have it since he finished his movies and would no longer require it.”
“Impressive! Well everything is packed in for your trip to Phoenix. Food, drink, bubble pipe refills, Downy for the Bathrobe, NBC Sports credentials, suitcase with your civilian attire, the works.”
“Excellent, I’m on my way then. I have to hurry. Without me Spring Training won’t be complete and can’t begin.”
Tiffany rolled her eyes, “You know Craig I’m not quite sure Baseball deserves you.”
Craig missed the tone of her voice completely and straightened his posture looking quite seriously. “Oh my dear Tiffany, I’m not the blogger Baseball deserves (only the Braves deserve me), but I’m the blogger it needs!”
He pressed a button turning off the display before Tiffany could recover from that one and moved off to the garage annex. The Tumbler was already primed and ready. He strapped himself in and engaged the driving system. Everything felt right as he accelerated through the tunnel and out of the camouflaged entrance to his Lair and emerged among the back roads of Ohio. It was time to head for Phoenix… and Baseball!
The Lair proposes a new type of Baseball Card!
Something must be done to bring back the glory days of baseball card collecting! Topps is screwing things up!
Craig waited patiently sitting on his high chair, refilling his bubble pipe. Tiffany confirmed she received his package and promised to call. On his side table he had some rather unusual prototype baseball cards. The light on his chair blinked and he pressed it.
In front of his fireplace, where the Phanatic rug rested, the Braves 1995 Championship Team picture recessed into his wall and a massive 71″ LED screen surged forward. The display lit up with a small inset picture of Tiffany. Surrounding her image where schematics and charts on the design of his baseball cards.
“Hi Craig, I got the cards, I must say they are a bit… strange. I agree the market could use a change, but I’m puzzled by some these.”
Craig immediately stood up and skipped closer to the display. Good thing his Brave’s bathrobe was tied securely! “My dear Tiffany, I realized that with the foul baseball card company monopolizing the market, innovation and creativeness have been stifled for more than decade. I sense an opportunity to bring baseball cards into the 21st Century. Using a lot of high tech.”
He picked up a Roy Halladay prototype card: “As you can see it’s not just a card, it’s a very thin electronic device. Instead of just one picture of Roy Halladay, you get several ones as the card transitions them. On the back of the card, his stats are continuously updated through the internet… or will be once the season starts of course.”
Tiffany raised an eyebrow. “That’s interesting Craig, but what’s wrong with this Roy Ozwalt card?”
“Oh that! Until Ozwalt actually accepts an offer, the card computes the probability of signing with a team and fluctuates the pictures to possible team uniforms. Once it’s announced the card will settle on the final configuration.”
She nodded uncertainly and held up another card: “Miguel Cabrera? What’s this BSOHL label on his card?”
“The card keeps track of which ball player is in the Best Shape of His Life. We have a fellow Twins’ fan who keeps the database updated and the card reflects this accordingly. You should see the Jose Reyes one, fans have a choice between Dreadlocks and no Dreadlocks.”
“All very interesting Craig, it’s certainly outlandish, but this kind of tech looks pricey. How much are each one of these going for?”
Craig started to speak, held a finger up and then frowned. “That could be a problem, the best price I can come up with is $500…”
If anything I’m probably underestimating the cost of such a baseball card. Wouldn’t it be neat to have something like that though!?
